BY: JASON RAYNER
Dear Cis Straight (White) Women,
There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a while now. Something that initially seemed harmless but has grown to be a bit of - well…a problem. I’d like to to discuss your recent behaviour in gay bars.
I’m sure there is already a fair share of you reading this that are formulating an opinion on what I have to say. Please, stay with me and read through this. Because in most cases, I appreciate your presence in gay bars. I just think we need to talk about what being an ally in a queer space actually entails.
Of course, this is also a generalization. I know this isn’t all of you. And yes, I’m kind of singling out cis straight white women (let’s call them CS(W)W) because honestly, they are who make up the largest group I would like to address. They also tend to be blonde women that go by names like Lindsay or Kaylee, but I think that might just be a really strange coincidence.
This is to the CS(W)W who show up to the gay bar without any of their queer friends. This is to the CS(W)W at the gay bar who push past me (often quite aggressively; which I don’t understand - it’s not like they’re giving away free drinks or commemorative key chains) so that they can get to the front of the drag show. This is to the CS(W)W that are on the packed dance floor, elbows out and pushing other people, screaming that they don’t have enough room to dance, even though the space is jam packed and everyone is kind of just jostling from side to side awkwardly. This is to the CS(W)W who go dancing in a large group without any queer friends, usually on a stage or riser or really anywhere else that makes you the center of attention, and grab random gay men and begin to grind on them, touching various parts of their bodies because there is no sexual attraction, therefore you believe it is safe. This is especially to the CS(W)W who show up with their bachelorette parties, and while I know it’s unintentional, you treat the whole event like a fun novelty where the queens on stage and patrons of the bar are simply accessories and good Instagram stories.
These are just some of the now common occurrences I’ve been seeing when I’ve been out at gay bars lately.
Everyone is welcome at a gay bar, that goes without saying. Some of my fondest memories involve me being a young queer at a gay bar surrounded by my closest straight girlfriends. I’m lucky enough to be able to even share that space with straight male friends, which is pretty incredible. It’s just, well...I hate to break this to you but...as a cis straight person - you are a guest at our party.
I am very aware that the bar scene around the city is gross if you’re a female. I’m also aware that I have (white) male privilege and I cannot accurately understand how frustrating and scary it must be to deal with straight men approaching you like they are entitled to your attention. Toxic masculinity is a shit show and comes out in spades in bar culture, and sometimes you want to be able to get drunk and dance with your friends. A gay bar can seem like a safer refuge, and that is fair. Going to a gay bar and taking ownership over the space however, is not the answer. It is invoking your heterosexual privilege, demanding that you get priority over the community that the space was created for. More importantly, going to a gay bar without any queer friends is never the answer. The space we have carved out at gay bars is more than just a night out for us.
The mere existence of a gay bar is political. They are a safe space. They are a place where we can see ourselves, where we can meet other queer folk, where we can dance freely without worrying about being judged. We can consensually kiss who we want, we can be affectionate with our partners (or if you’re me, more likely a stranger), we can fall in love, and depending on the bar, we can get sexual. All in public. We have created a space to do this safely. These are freedoms that even in the best of times, even in a city like Toronto, feel limited outside the walls of a gay bar.
The reason there is no such thing as a “straight bar” is because every other bar and space is automatically given the inherent privilege of cisgender heteronormativity. It’s that heteronormativity that makes a queer like me afraid to go dance somewhere outside the village because, even if there is a special gay night at a west end bar, I still have to worry that some bro named Doug is going to call me or my friends a fag on our way home. It’s why even walking down a street with a partner outside of the village, I have to think twice about holding hands with him. I never know how safe I am. Even as a cis white gay male, which I would be very ignorant to not acknowledge comes with a certain amount of privilege within the gay community, I still feel like I have to navigate my queerness around the city. It’s a constant negotiation, and one that I’m sure most if not all queer people also have to reconcile on a regular basis.
Most importantly, please be aware of how you interact with other gay men. Just like you, sometimes I just want to dance with my friends, and if I’m going to get pulled into a grinding situation, I want it to be a consensual experience with a sexy man who is cross between Antoni from Queer Eye and Adam Rippon. If I do end up kissing a cutie, please do not tell me how hot we look. It’s creepy and inappropriate. Oh, and most importantly, if you are there to watch something harmless and fun like a Best Ass contest, do not run to the front and start smacking the asses of the participants (again, these aren’t wild scenarios, these are actual things I’ve experienced and seen firsthand).
So yes, of course you are welcome at a gay bar. Just please, when you show up, remember that you get to leave the gay bar and return to society, where your identity as a heterosexual is common and accepted, and your basic human rights are never up for debate come election time. Be an ally, and show up with your queer friends. Of course drag queens are amazing, and Drag Race really is one of the best shows on TV, but it’s our culture. We let you think that you discovered Robyn but we can’t let push us aside in our spaces.
Thanks for reading this and being so understanding. I absolutely love the fact that there is a love for our culture, and I’m happy that you want to be a part of it. It’s exciting that you are an ally, no matter how far we’ve come, we still need them. I look forward to enjoying a drag show with you and your queer friends (who are not accessories - but you know that already). And Robyn is rad and we should all love her together.
Best Wishes,
Jason
P.S. Since I have you on the line, can I just mention two other things? I’ll be quick I promise!
What is up with the gender reveal parties? Gender is a construct, and while I love an excuse for cake, creating an event where your child is forced to conform to these gender constructs before they are even born is gross. So stop it. Please. You’re better than this nonsense.
What is with the obsession over gender roles within your relationship? You are both capable of paying, you are both capable of cooking and cleaning, and you are both capable of proposing to each other.