BY: JASON RAYNER
For my entire adult life, I have been perpetually broke. I don’t think I’m supposed to admit that, though. Money is a strange thing in our society. It’s coveted, it’s necessary, and it is something almost everyone thinks about. Our entire days are centered around making it and spending it. But you aren’t supposed to talk about it. If you have an abundance, it’s best to not gloat. If you have too little, it’s weakness.
Me, looking longingly at a case of La Croix, which at tis point in my life, is essentially a luxury item.
It’s important to note the difference between being broke and being poor. I have an apartment, I am able to afford basic necessities, I just don’t have much money outside of that. Most of the time there are fluctuations. There have been times in my recently-graduated-from-University days where I’ve had so little money that the only way I was able to pay the minimum payment on my credit card was to go out for dinner with a friend, charge it to my almost maxed out card, and then ask them for their half in cash so I can could into an ATM and transfer that money to my credit card. Then there times where I am making a little more than I used to and I feel like I am living like Prince George. In almost all cases I add up my annual income and realize that I’m still just a little over the poverty line.
Choosing a life as an artist is particularly tough on finances. Everyone is competitive, and the amount of work you have to produce before you can even begin thinking about earning money is overwhelming. Writing jobs require sample packages, acting agencies require demo reels and resumes, film grant eligibility is based on having work already publicly exhibited. Getting to the place where you can maybe get paid takes a lot. More importantly, it takes time. So rarely do we talk about the time that is necessary to dedicate to making art.
Putting in the time isn’t really a problem per se; in fact I would prefer to. If I could spend my days writing at home or working on a film set, I’d be at my happiest. It’s the fact that balancing art while simultaneously trying to keep your head above water financially is a constant balancing act. It feels like I’m walking on a tightrope, and I’m a clumsy mess (and yes, I am listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack while writing this, thank you for noticing the circus metaphor).
For most of my adult life, I have struggled with wanting to focus on art, while also trying to ensure that my income increased every year. Because more money is status, and the older I get, the more status I’m allegedly supposed to have. In your early 20s, living in a house with five roommates and spending a winter day in a coffee shop so you don’t have to turn on your heat seems almost charming (I’ve never personally done that but I know people who have). In your 30s, you are expected to be a “proper adult”. If you aren’t sharing a home with a spouse, you should be on your own, and most definitely be working toward owning. You should also be able to afford to eat organic. It’s called Forever 21 not Forever 31, after all (I sit here at me desk at 32, wearing head-to-toe Forever 21 by the way). When you’re an artist, you can get away with having less as long as you can bring up several projects you’re working on during a dinner party. Just keep your fingers crossed that no one asks you where they can view your short films,
The struggle to have enough money to help me feel like an adult yet still work on becoming a writing, acting, directing, and producing sensation has led me to several phases of my professional life. For a while, I would work contract jobs and tell myself that I would work on my craft in my off time. Instead, I would get a contract that would occupy all of my focus and energy and when it ended, I would spend all of my now free time looking for the next contract, leaving no time to create. So then I decided that I would go for stability and get a full time job, not worry about finances, and work on weekends and evenings (looking for this type of job was its own kind of nightmarish full-time job, by the way). Well, once I actually landed something, it turned out that I absolutely hated the 9 - 5 life (no matter how many times I thought of sweet angel Dolly Parton), and I was too tired to actually work on anything creative once I got home. In fact, I had less spare time because I was dreaming of being in bed by 9pm. I had money and I was miserable. So I went back to part time work, and was back at the start, stressing over not having enough money. So I got a second part time job. I was working 6 days a week, and while I was making more money than usual, I had virtually made no progress with the career I actually wanted. So I quit the part time job I loathed, and used my new free time to try laser focus on art.
Which brings me to present day. I’ve never been more focused on creating and I am simultaneously losing sleep over the fact that I am barely covering my basic life expenses. I feel fulfilled during the days (and some evenings) that I am writing, editing, and filming. Then I realize that I probably can’t afford that celebratory glass of wine I want to commemorate a job well done.
So how exactly can someone balance working toward their aspirations while meeting their financial standards? And yes, I realize I am asking this like I’m Carrie Bradshaw (even though I’m so obviously a Miranda).
I remember vividly one day in my mid-20s when I was working at a temp job, and a woman I had never met before said to me “You can have everything in life, you just won’t have it all at the same time” (moments after she said this, she vanished and I never saw her again). I didn’t love hearing that at the time because I wanted to believe in the glamour that came with whatever “having it all!” was supposed to mean. Now I think it might be the wisest thing ever said to me (if I was to find out that the 50 something year old woman with a great outfit dropping deep life lessons never really existed and was just a figment of my imagination, I would maybe believe you). Because the idea of “having it all!” is really an end game, but no one really goes into the specifics of what the process really entails.
Right now, it appears that while one area of life thrives, others fall apart. If you’re trying to focus your energy into building a career as an artist, your finances might take a hit. If you want to focus on your career in general, you might also have a hard time having a personal life. If you are in a new relationship, or do something crazy like have a kid (I think this is something people my age do - I’ll research that later), that will probably take up a lot of your time, and a lot of things like work will probably seem a little less important. And that’s okay. Some annoying truths about life include the fact that there is only 24 hours in a day, our attention spans wander constantly throughout our work days, and our bodies crash if we do not get sleep (while at 23 I would excite myself with the idea of only needing 5 hours of sleep, I now at 32, do not function well with less than 7 not just mentally but physically, in the form of bags that are so heavy they look like they’re weighted to the ground).
This essay isn’t a declaration or an answer. I don’t have a mantra I repeat in my mirror to manifest my dreams (no shade if you do!). Right now, I’m forcing myself to weigh what is more important to me, and trying to focus on what matters. For me, that is my art and trying to turn it into a career. I still want to be able to buy nice things, I still want to meet a nice guy to date, I still want to travel the world. If this (maybe imaginary) woman’s words from the temp job are to be believed, we should stop talking about “having it all!”, and maybe just focus on what we have right now and try our hardest to be happy with it. I think it’s also important that we talk about these struggles. There is nothing worse than feeling like there is something wrong with you for not being able to juggle so many things at once. So yes, I’m struggling with all of this. If you are too, you’re not alone.
I’d say we should commiserate over a drink but I’m currently broke.
